The Hidden Wounds Behind the Four Horsemen of Communication [episode 109]
Listen to The Hidden Wounds Behind the Four Horsemen of Communication on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | your platform of choice
In a recent episode, we talked about the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. After that conversation, several of you reached out saying you deeply resonated with stonewalling, which inspired this follow-up episode!
In today’s episode, I’m talking about the hidden wounds behind the Four Horsemen of Communication. I really want to peel back the layers further and look at the wounds beneath the behaviors.
Criticism often shows up as fear, wearing the mask of control, whereas contempt is the armor of superiority that hides deep hurt. In rural culture, especially, where “toughness” is a badge of honor, contempt can feel like strength.
Defensiveness is what we reach for when it’s never felt safe to be “wrong”. Again, this comes down to fear: fear of rejection, misunderstanding, and not belonging.
Stonewalling (my personal default + the one for many of you as well) is often the body’s cry for safety. Our nervous system is overwhelmed and shutting down because we just can’t take any more.
These patterns once helped you survive, but they don’t have to run the show anymore.
When you’re ready to explore what healing looks like in your life, I’d love to walk with you through it!
The Hidden Wounds Behind the Four Horsemen of Communication, I cover:
- Why the four horsemen often stem from deeper emotional wounds
- How criticism seeks safety through control or perfection when love once felt performance-based
- How contempt masks deep hurt or shame
- Why defensiveness is a fear response rooted in not feeling safe to be wrong or misunderstood
- Why stonewalling is the body’s “shutdown” mode when emotions or conflict feel unsafe
- Realizing that these patterns once protected you, but won’t allow you to truly heal
Resources & Links:
- Schedule a free 30-minute consult call
- Join the waitlist for the Good Movement Collective
- Good Movement music by: Aaron Espe
- Podcast produced by: Jill Carr Podcasting
Connect with Terryn:
- Follow on Instagram @terryn.drieling
- Check out my website
- Send me an email at terryn@terryndrieling.com
Related Episodes:
- Episode 2: It Starts with Self-Awareness
- Episode 12: Choose Curiosity Over Criticism
- Episode 106: Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse (And What to Do Instead)
More about the Good Movement Draws Good Movement podcast:
In stockmanship (the art and science of handling cattle in a safe, effective, low-stress manner), we have this phrase . . . good movement draws good movement.
It’s this thing that happens when we ask a small group of cattle, maybe a cow, or a pair to move out in a certain direction and their movement draws the whole herd into moving in the same direction.
Good movement happens when we approach the cattle with a positive attitude, read and really listen to what they’re telling us, and communicate accordingly.
We don’t approach the aware, flighty cattle the same as we do the tame, docile cattle. We adjust ourselves, our energy, and approach, and communicate with each differently.
These adjustments help us effectively draw good movement from each, which then draws good movement from the herd. But it starts with us.
The same is true for humans. Good movement starts with us.
Welcome to Good Movement Draws Good Movement, the podcast where farmers, ranchers, and rural folks can grow relationally through awareness, understanding, and effective communication.
Hey, it’s me – T. I’m your host, and I, along with my guests, will be covering topics related to drawing good movement – things like self and social awareness, brain science, positive psychology, extending grace, and so much more.
We’ll share tools that can help you understand why you are the way you are, why others are the way they are, and how you can use that to step out of self-told lies with grace and compassion to draw good movement in conversations, relationships, and life in rural America.
Tune in every Tuesday and make sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode! Let’s go draw good movement!
